Veil of Transition

Announcing the closure of this little blog.

It may be short but filled with..

I finally know the reason for my insomnia
I should have seen it coming,
when i kept askin u weird questions..
but TRUSTING u,
i didn doubt.
Right, i was silly.

I remembered u told me of ur intention of bein a steward.
Now i know the actual reason.
and maybe u are really going for it,
without my knowledge..well, i am a nobody.
And now i realised why u just wana werk so much,
I recalled the msn nick u ever had that i questioned-"Im sorry"
all those crappy shits,
Basically i hate to be lied.
Shucks, i am piecing another puzzle.
And its hurtin me again.

My tears had hardened.

to my dear friend,
I love u,
thanks for informing me.
Or i will be in deeper acts.

It was a bitter pill,
but i swallowed it anyway.
I should stop asking-WHY ME?
instead, i am saying..
glad it had happened..
at least i am more cautious now.

To you,
I have no idea of what to do.
Its a friggin 2.55 am now and my insomnia is getting worse.

everything is tasteless.

I will just concentrate on my plan for next year.
I will treasure people who are worth my time and love.
No point loving and caring so much,
only to be lied to and fooled.
I admit, i am beginnin to love you more each day..
However,
vicious cycle happened to me again.

Oh god, do i have to go thru such a difficult journey
just to be a normal straight girl?
If i could say this- i wuld say it loud!
I rather be a lesbian all my life, with my heart taken care by my butch!
rather than fighting and struggle to be straight,
and be a fill-er.
I hope this is the end of my painful road.
the pain is unbearable.
From a man who was married to his job,
to a man who has a gf of 10 years and thus fiancee,
now to somebody's bf who is still attached to his ex gf.
ironically,
i have turned down those who are single n available.
pious and older.

SIGH.
A great challenge.
Thot 2006 was terrible,
lil did i realise,
2007 is just as similar.

I cant come up with any decision.
I am mentally drained.
Physically exhausted.
Emotionally tortured.

I cant feel a thing.
i will cry tomorrow.
Oh dear,
how do i face my classes tomorrow..?
I left my butch even when she pursues..
sigh...and that is like a fuckin 6 year relationship.
Things which no guy can ever ever do.

Lemme me immerse in my own world.
to the original routine.
anyway, it wont make any difference to u..
he mentioned about,
this guy worked so hard so that he wont be thinking of her that much.

so be it then.

I am afraid of loving.
I am afraid of caring.
I am just afraid of being with guys now.

My journey is so unique,
i turned gay without any bad experiences with guys.
they were perfect and nice...but i chose to b with girls.
and now, that i make my choice...to be straight,
sucha disappointment.
all the 3 guys.

Maybe its thrilling to hurt.
maybe i should try.
maybe its fun
maybe it will intrigued me
i am enticed by the pain i am goin thru at this point of time.

Great.

I felt so close to you,
my heart my soul my mind my body
U held me in ur warmth
As we watched the dizzying show.

The feeling,
is amazing..just indescribable.
Perhaps,
this my first love?
with a sweet guy..
I love kissing u and no doubt,
i love ur kisses.
It is so tender and warm.
I feel every brush of ur lips on mine,
u thread on me ever so gentle.
No greed,
No obligationz.

Beautiful experience.
I love u sayang.

The slow crawl of the sun,
Sends ray across the cosmos,
Whilst mediety sleeps,
Tweets lulls me through the night.

Awaken by melodious tweedle,
Enjoy watching my skin glisten in my cool shower.
As I walk down,
I am blessed with fresh smiles.

Lovin her baby more each day..

They shared sweet kisses,
by the beach.. in the bus and cable car,
they held hands and hug,
teasing and exchanging meaningful glances.

Her lil heart is always whispering,
whenever he is by her side,
whenever he held her hand,
whenever he held her tight in his warm embrace,
whenever he kissed her,
whenever he looks at her..

"Something is really different in this relationship?"

She searched for the answer.
Something is missing..
Lust.

How beautiful, she thought..
She has always dreamt of such..
where the tender emotions overwhelmed lust.
The way he held her,
is different.
It feels so safe in the arms of this lovely guy.
She did not sense much raging, ferocious and a hungry lusty beast within him.

He is Special.

Undergoing major changes.
She is making adjustments in her life now.
Not much chivalry and luxury,
in time and attention.

She still believ in the knight
prefers being a lady to a woman
Luxury of time, showered with attention..
she isn blessed with.

He is loving.
He isn a purrrrfect gentleman.
He is caring.
He isnt that sensitive.
He is young,
as inexperienced as me.
He showers me with love,
he hurt me with tactless jokes.

She is looking forward for contentment in being with him.

100 sorries

Posted: Thu, 03 May 2007 15:40:00 +0000

It was first day of the mid-year exams, therefore i finished school a little earlier, i called him,

Me : Hey, i finished school earlier today, would you come by and pick me up?
XOXO : Alright, give me 5 minutes.
Me : 5 minutes? But my school is just beside your house.
XOXO : I need to get ready.
Me : Alright, make it fast then.

2pm in the afternoon, the sun is extremely hot, I stood under a shaded tree and fan myself. Although it doesn't make much of a difference, it was better that I fanned. 5 minutes have passed, he's still not shown up, I was a lil' unhappy while looking at my watch. 10 minutes and he's still not here....couldn't be that he was met with an accident? 15 minutes passed, he finally shown up.

Me : Why are you so late?

He wasn't even a lil' bothered

XOXO : Nahz, was watching TV.

Me : What?! TV?! Why don't you sleep, bathe and eat before you come down then? I haven't got anything else to say for that, didn't take the helmet he handed me but stood there and stared at him.

XOXO : Sorry. This was the first time he said sorry to me...

He is an egoistical person all along and has never once apologised to a girl. I looked at him, Alright, took the helmet and let him sent me home. He is always acting like this, no explanations, no friction, no quarrels. The only thing he does is to apologise. To me, some things can't be settled with a sorry. I would never go on asking after every time he apologises. He told me, that was the first time he said sorry to a girl. Although it take courage to admit mistakes, he never once correct his mistakes. Saying sorry became a word to shut me up instead. Tears flowed down my cheek on the 59th time he apologised. I dropped my head.Me : you don't ever need to say sorry to me again. If you can never change, then don't let me keep giving you chances again and again hoping and believing that you would change each time.

He held me lightly, and said the 60th sorry. Even then, he did not change, and there was no explanation whatsoever. I began to worry if there was something he was keeping from me.

Me : What's wrong with you these few days?

XOXO : Nothing.

Me : Then why are you acting so strange?

XOXO : I am not. Me : What can you say other than this answer? Do you know I'm very worried, very insecure, do you treat me as your girlfriend?

XOXO : I'm sorry...

Me : I don't want to hear you say sorry again. I put down the phone and he did not call back. He doesn't even care about me. Maybe we should....break up. .....this was the 99th time he said sorry... From that day onwards, I never once called me or went to look for him. Sometimes I get an anonymous phonecall but everytime I said hello, it was dead, i think it's a call from him, but why don't he speak up? After one month have passed, I couldn't contain the feelings I still have for him anymore and went to his school to find him. I went outside his classroom and looked around, but there was no sign of him.

Me : excuse me, is XOXO here today?

Classmate : I'm afraid he already stopped schooling.

Me : Huh? Why? When was that?

Classmate : He hasn't been in school for a month already.

Me : Oh erms...thanks. One month....not in school for one month...why is that so? I stumbled home. Called his hp: Sorry the caller is currently unavailable, please leave your message after the tone.... I put down the phone, and called his house next, but there was no answer. How can it be? The whole family migrated? It seems as though he has already disappeared from the face on the earth leaving not even a single trace. I couldn't find him....just as I was feeling distraughted, the phone suddenly sounded, it was my friend.

He was one of his brothers and also my good friend.

Friend : Hey, what have you been doing? XOXO is in hospital.

Me : REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?

Friend : Oh he is in ZZ hospital, the one you stayed in last time.

Me : I'll be right there.

I used the fastest speed my legs could carry and when I reached the hospital I saw that his parents were already there. I asked them for the room number and flew across the hall. He was lying on bed, looking at me, not saying a word, not moving a muscle, Me : Hey, what happened to you? Why didn't you contact me?

He did not answer, and used the same stare on me again.

Me : Come on answer me...why don't you speak? A tear flowed down the side of his eye, and it looked as though he used the greatest amount of strength that he could master to say...

XOXO : I'm...sorry... After that, his eyes went shut.

Me : Hey, don't fool around alright...why say sorry to me?
Me : Don't say sorry to me....please wake up....answer me please.

I wept and fell down on the side of his bed, pulling his shirt I cried out..

Me : Why do you have to apologise? Why don't you give me an explanation instead?
Me : I won't forgive you, wake up, saying sorry is no use...
Me : If you don't wake up I'll never ever forgive you in this lifetime, please I beg of you..open your eyes.....

That was the 100th sorry. A group of medical staff, doctors, nurses pulled me away and tried to revive him. I had no strength to stand up... My mind was a blank.... my eyes could only see a sea of black. He did not leave this world...I merely lost the chance to touch him anymore.

But he would appear in my dreams sometimes, telling me how he was doing. He's still accompanying me, still alive, in my heart. would still laugh at my silliness, and call me his darling....just that...he never apologise to me anymore. After a month, his mom came to look for me, and gave me a box... inside was 100 photographs, everyone had a story behind them... the reasons why he made me angry. The first time, my dear, I did not purposely arrive late to pick you up. I know this excuse is really lame, but I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth then, before I stepped out of the house, I felt a pain in my chest, but I still made it a point to meet you, please forgive me?

The second time, my dear, I... The third time, my dear, I... The 100th time, my dear, I didn't mean to leave you alone in this world, It had to be so because God did not give me the chance to say I Love You for this lifetime of mine, and to put the ring on your finger.... You are the first girl I apologised to. And also the first girl I want to be with for the rest of my life... Forgive me for not able to bring you happiness but I have thus become your angel, always looking out for you... Looking at you while you find your happiness...promise me...don't shed a tear...

I don't want to see you weep like this for me, I Love You ~ XOXO How can I not cry? What you said was just too impossible. The last photograph was of him in the hospital, Although he was skinny, the smile on his face was bright as ever. His face was white and yet he tried his best to give his last smile on the last photo, the 100th. At the time when he needed me the most, I wasn't with him. Me : I'm sorry. I held the photo tightly and cried for us.....

Poetry, playwrite, drama, lyrics, heart rants, complains.. simply anything. I embrace changes. I think one of the most intriguing part of a person is to be able to witness how an individual expresses his/her thoughts sincerely. Whether its in forms of words/actions/verbal, drawing etc.. i just love the rawness..

So...just write, hunnni.. allow me to explore the chamber.

I'm like a new born baby on this blog. I have problem navigating around but not to worry I will get used to it. While your entries are more to poem. Mine is more to story or drama line base. So its refreshing that way. Drama and Poem? What do you think?