I finally know the reason for my insomnia
I should have seen it coming,
when i kept askin u weird questions..
but TRUSTING u,
i didn doubt.
Right, i was silly.
I remembered u told me of ur intention of bein a steward.
Now i know the actual reason.
and maybe u are really going for it,
without my knowledge..well, i am a nobody.
And now i realised why u just wana werk so much,
I recalled the msn nick u ever had that i questioned-"Im sorry"
all those crappy shits,
Basically i hate to be lied.
Shucks, i am piecing another puzzle.
And its hurtin me again.
My tears had hardened.
to my dear friend,
I love u,
thanks for informing me.
Or i will be in deeper acts.
It was a bitter pill,
but i swallowed it anyway.
I should stop asking-WHY ME?
instead, i am saying..
glad it had happened..
at least i am more cautious now.
To you,
I have no idea of what to do.
Its a friggin 2.55 am now and my insomnia is getting worse.
everything is tasteless.
I will just concentrate on my plan for next year.
I will treasure people who are worth my time and love.
No point loving and caring so much,
only to be lied to and fooled.
I admit, i am beginnin to love you more each day..
However,
vicious cycle happened to me again.
Oh god, do i have to go thru such a difficult journey
just to be a normal straight girl?
If i could say this- i wuld say it loud!
I rather be a lesbian all my life, with my heart taken care by my butch!
rather than fighting and struggle to be straight,
and be a fill-er.
I hope this is the end of my painful road.
the pain is unbearable.
From a man who was married to his job,
to a man who has a gf of 10 years and thus fiancee,
now to somebody's bf who is still attached to his ex gf.
ironically,
i have turned down those who are single n available.
pious and older.
SIGH.
A great challenge.
Thot 2006 was terrible,
lil did i realise,
2007 is just as similar.
I cant come up with any decision.
I am mentally drained.
Physically exhausted.
Emotionally tortured.
I cant feel a thing.
i will cry tomorrow.
Oh dear,
how do i face my classes tomorrow..?
I left my butch even when she pursues..
sigh...and that is like a fuckin 6 year relationship.
Things which no guy can ever ever do.
Lemme me immerse in my own world.
to the original routine.
anyway, it wont make any difference to u..
he mentioned about,
this guy worked so hard so that he wont be thinking of her that much.
so be it then.
I am afraid of loving.
I am afraid of caring.
I am just afraid of being with guys now.
My journey is so unique,
i turned gay without any bad experiences with guys.
they were perfect and nice...but i chose to b with girls.
and now, that i make my choice...to be straight,
sucha disappointment.
all the 3 guys.
Maybe its thrilling to hurt.
maybe i should try.
maybe its fun
maybe it will intrigued me
i am enticed by the pain i am goin thru at this point of time.
Great.
